“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my savior.”- Oceans by @hillsongworship . It is amazing that just hearing a song can take us back to a moment, and experience it all over again. When I hear certain songs, I can go back to exact moments of my past. I can remember the emotions I felt, what was happening around me and even smell the same smells all over again. Songs also have this amazing ability to make us feel stronger or take us to a happier place. Oceans by Hillsong United is one of those songs for me. When I was pregnant and grieving the life I had envisioned for myself and my child, I would ask why me!? What did I do to deserve this? Have I done something wrong, and now I'm being punished? I would cry endlessly for this life I had envisioned, and this "perfect" child I thought I wanted. The fear I felt when I was pregnant was so great and consuming that at times it felt unbearable. I have never felt a fear that great before. There were times when I didn't know how I would get through the next few moments, much less the next few months until he was born. Then I would hear this song. It would come on Spotify or the radio at the exact moment I needed it to. It would instantly calm me, like a wave of peace washing over me. Some days I would worry so much that I barely slept. I know this sounds crazy, but I would wake up hearing this song in my head. This song got me through so much while I was pregnant, and it honestly still does. Whenever I am feeling unsure of myself or like I can’t get through something, I listen to this song and remember that my faith is greater than my fear. This song reminds me that God wouldn’t call me to do something if He didn’t already know I could handle it. Now I know He knew exactly what He was doing. He was giving me everything I needed. He has always had these plans for me. He has been preparing me for this my entire life. He made Easton perfectly in His image, and just for me. 💛 I have always wanted a sign with these lyrics that are so close to my heart on it. The amazing mama over at @thishandpaintedhome made this sign for me. Her signs are beautiful, and she is wonderful to work with. She was very patient with me when I was being extremely indecisive about what exactly I wanted on it. She wanted to make sure I got exactly what I wanted, and I did. I love it so much. I hung it over my bed so I could see it every night and every morning to remind myself of my faith and many, many blessings. What is your favorite song? Why is it your favorite? Comment and let me know! Listen to Oceans by Hillsong Worship here- www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw Visit and shop This Hand Painted Home on Etsy- www.etsy.com/shop/ThisHandPaintedHome
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Recently, I have had quite a few new moms with a prenatal diagnosis reach out to me. It makes me so happy to talk to these women who are walking the same path I recently went down. I enjoy sharing our life with them. I want them to see the joy Easton brings to our lives every single moment of every single day. There are so many things I want these moms to know. I honestly could talk to them all day long. But since that isn’t very realistic of me, here are the most important things I have to say: 1. You are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings of fear, grief, sadness, shame, anger, and disbelief. I remember when I was pregnant the overwhelming feeling of being alone in my emotions. It felt like I was the only person in the world going through this. I didn’t have anyone to turn to, to talk about all this. I didn’t know anyone who had walked this path before. I just kept thinking , “why me?”. What did I do wrong to deserve this? I couldn’t understand why this was happening. After going through it, I know that Easton was made just for me and vice versa. I know that he is exactly the child I was supposed to have. I wouldn’t change anything about him. I know you’re probably thinking, “she’s just saying that”- but seriously, I wouldn’t change a thing about him. Why would I? He’s awesome. Your child is exactly the one you are supposed to have. Let yourself grieve and feel all the feelings that come with it. You are walking a path you had no intentions of walking until now. Allow yourself time to adjust to it. Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. Take everything day by day, minute by minute, if you have to. You can get through this. 2. Your life is not over. I remember thinking that my life was completely over now that I would have a child with special needs. I was SO WRONG. I wasn’t even living life before Easton. This life is the life I have always wanted and dreamt of. Actually, it’s even better than my dreams. Our lives are very similar to that of a “typical” family. We just have a few extra therapy sessions. 3. Most importantly- Your child is worth it. It’s okay to feel all the emotions that you are feeling. Feel them. Embrace them. But just know, that once you have your sweet babe in your arms, you will feel so silly for feeling the way you did. You will feel as though those tears you shed were for nothing because this IS the child that you always wanted- you just might not have known it yet. Be joyful and take pride. You are on a journey you never knew you wanted to be on. But trust me, you will love it. July 26, 2016 is the day that changed my life forever. It’s the day that changed the path I thought I was on, to the one that God had me on from the beginning. He knew I would walk this path in life with Easton before He even knitted me together in my mother’s womb. He knew I would be here today with this sweet ray of sunshine that I have named Easton. He knew that I would feel shame, embarrassment, anger, sadness, disappointment, and fear when I learned that Easton would have Down syndrome. He knew that I would need my “tribe” to get through it. He also knew that I would eventually see the light at the end of that very dark, lonely time in my life. He knew I would still be standing here today. July 26th is a big day. July 26, 2017 is the day my little boy turned six months old. He is truly the light of my life. He makes me happy every single day. When he smiles, I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest with love for him. I don’t see Down syndrome when I look at him. I see my son. I see his beautiful eyes, and his perfectly soft hair. I see his sweet smile, his kissable cheeks, and his sweet, happy demeanor. I see his future; and let me just say- it’s a bright one! I can’t wait to watch him succeed in life. I can’t wait to see how much he accomplishes, and how many lives he changes along the way. God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave me the honor of being this little boy’s mama. July 26, 2016 is a completely different story. It’s the day that changed my life’s path forever. It’s the day that my world was rocked. I was brought to my knees in fear, pain, sadness, anger, disappointment, and shame. It’s the month that was the start to the rest of my life. The day that started me on this crazy roller coaster of a journey called motherhood. It’s also the day that brought me closer to God. July 26, 2016 is the day that I got the phone call. The call that would change life as I knew it. I heard the genetic counselor say, "Unfortunately, it looks like your Nuchal Translucency test came back with a very high risk of Down syndrome." "What does that mean?", I said quickly in shock and disbelief. "Your scan of the fetus looked fine, but the blood work came back with a 1 in 116 chance of the baby having Down syndrome. We need to pursue further testing to find out more." To simply say that I was in shock would be an understatement. Down syndrome? My baby could have Down syndrome? There is no way. That is impossible. Stuff like this doesn't happen to me. 1 in 116 doesn't seem like very high risk. That's still less than 1% chance. I tried everything to talk myself out of it, but at the same time, I already knew. As soon as I heard the genetic counselor say there was a chance, I knew immediately that it was true. Looking back at my life, God has been preparing me for Easton for years. He knew my life plan before I was even born. He knew He was going to give this child to me. He knew I would be able to handle it. He also knew that I would need some preparation before hand, which He gave me. When I started sharing this news with my close family and friends, that's when I realized God had started preparing me for this. Each and every person I told met the news with grace, encouragement, support, and love. They assured me that they would love Easton with everything they have, his life was something to be celebrated, and that he would make a meaningful impact in this world. I started to realize that God had purposely put these amazing people in my life. Every place I had been, every relationship I created- it was all for a purpose. He was helping me find my tribe- one by one. He put Drew in my life because He knew that THIS was THE person that was going to be strong enough to stand next to me through all this. He gave me an amazing family, friends, nurses, and doctors. As I am sitting here typing this, I am truly realizing that He has been walking alongside me through this entire journey. Even though His actual footprints aren’t present- the proof of His presence is everywhere. I know Easton is going to make a meaningful impact and difference in this world we live in. I just pray that I am also. I hope that a mom who has had a Down syndrome diagnosis reads this and realizes that there IS a light at the end of the dark, lonely tunnel that she is in. So to that mother: Your baby will be AMAZING. Your baby is worth it. It’s okay to feel all the emotions that you are feeling. Feel them. Embrace them. But just know, that once you have your sweet babe in your arms, you will feel so silly for feeling the way you did. You will feel as though those tears you shed were for nothing because this IS the child that you always wanted- you just might not have known it yet. Be joyful and take pride. You are on a journey you never knew you wanted to be on. But trust me, you will love it. |
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