Tonight, is the last night that you will be one. Tonight, I rocked you longer than I needed to. Tonight, I held your little chubby hand tight against my chest with tears streaming down my face thinking about all the hills and valleys we have traveled together since I knew of your existence. I cried thinking about how far you have come, and all you have accomplished. Tonight, I cursed time because it really is a thief. Tomorrow, you will be two. On the eve on your second birthday, I want to make some promises to you. My first promise is to always have high expectations for you, and to encourage you to have a growth mindset. I won’t let people tell me you can’t do something. Can’t will not be in our vocabulary as we move forward through life. Instead, we are going to use the word “yet”. When someone tries to tell me you can’t do something, I promise to always correct them and say, “he just isn’t able to do it YET. But, he will”. I promise to always push you forward when it seems too hard to go on. You will encounter challenges in life. There are times when you will struggle. We all do. I promise to help you remember that you CAN do it, with practice and perseverance. I promise to help you up when you fall. My second promise is to give you independence. This is a hard one for me. I want to help you all the time. But I know how important it is to let you figure things out on your own sometimes. I promise to always support you in things you want to learn and try, and give you the space to do them. My third promise is to always make sure you know how God made you exactly the way you are supposed to be. There is absolutely nothing wrong or not “normal” about you. God carefully stitched together each piece of you with intention. He has plans for your life. He sees your worth. Yes, you have Down syndrome but it doesn’t define you. It is simply a piece of you. You are also silly, funny, driven, determined, handsome, smart, and loving. Honestly, there are many times that I question if I am the one that was born with one chromosome too few, and you were born with just the right amount. This year, you have learned how to crawl, how to stand, how to walk, and how to talk. You can say mama, dada, puppy, more, and baby. You use sign language for words you aren’t yet able to say. You went to daycare for a few months and learned so much there. Every day you learn something new, and it gives me great joy to watch. Your mind truly is a beautiful thing, Easton. Don’t ever let anyone tell you any differently. In your second year of life you will become a big brother. You will know what it is like to love and protect someone smaller than you. You will probably be jealous at times and angry (often). But I know the relationship you will have with your little brother is going to be a beautiful one. I can’t wait to see all that you learn this year. I can’t wait to hear more words enter your vocabulary so we can communicate with each other in that way more. I can’t wait to see you try new things and accomplish them with practice. You have changed every inch of my being for the better. You have taught me more in the last two years of your life than I have learned in the other 30. You have taught me patience, selflessness, true empathy, and understanding. You have taught me how to be fearless in ways I never thought I could be. You have shown me God’s love in ways that I have never seen or felt before. You and I have had a different journey than most. It has been scary and hard at times. But it has been worth it every single second. You made me a mother. You are the best gift I have ever been given, and I will thank God for you every single day.
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What do you see when you look at this face? A little boy or JUST Down syndrome? I will tell you what I see. I see a little boy. I see determination and joy. I see love. I see laughter. I see empathy and understanding. I see innocence. I also see Down syndrome, but I see it after ALL of those other things. At the children’s museum the other day there was this mom that wouldn’t stop staring at him. She didn’t say a word- just stared. I don’t think she knew that I noticed. But how could I not? I could feel it. Even when I wasn’t looking at her- I could feel her eyes following us. It made my stomach curl into knots. I was so uncomfortable. The staring isn’t necessarily what bothers me- it’s the thoughts that come with it. She made me so uncomfortable because I couldn’t stop thinking, “what is she thinking about when she looks at him?” Is she staring because she thinks he’s cute? Is she staring because he is so rambunctious and loud? Is she staring because he has Down syndrome? Does she think he’s weird? Is she thinking unkind thoughts? Is she trying to keep her child away from mine?! I know this sounds terrible but I couldn’t take it anymore. I scooped Easton up and left. I didn’t say anything to her. I just ran away from the situation. When I got to the car, I sat there holding Easton in the front seat and cried. I cried for so many reasons. I felt like a coward for running away. I should have spoken to her. Maybe she was just curious. I could have educated her a little bit. I felt like I was unfit to be his mother. I am supposed to be this strong person, and stand up for him. But in that moment, I felt as thought I had completely let him down. I also cried because what if she was thinking unkind thoughts toward my boy. That thought just makes me so unbelievably sad. Tears are running down my face right now just thinking about it. I don’t understand how anyone could look at him and not see love and joy. It literally overflows from every pore of his body. His empathy and love for others is already so present at 16 months old. For example, earlier in the day a little girl was crying because she was just overwhelmed. Places like that can be a major sensory overload. Easton saw that she was upset. He did hesitate. He crawled right over to her, put his little hand on her back, and started talking in his own little language to her. I swear I could tell he was telling her that it was okay. Everything was alright, and there was nothing to be afraid of. I was so proud of him in that moment. He also noticed I was crying in the car. When he did, he stopped playing with the steering wheel (which is a big deal) to turn, put his hands on my cheeks, and give me a sweet little kiss. His kisses are rare these days. He is too busy lately to stop to give mom kisses. So this was a special treat. He knew I needed it at that exact moment. I just don’t understand how anyone could think any sort of negative thought towards him, or anyone like him. Maybe that woman wasn’t thinking all the thoughts that I let myself think. Maybe she was just curious. Curiosity is human nature, which I completely understand. I always try to assume good intent in people, but those other thoughts do creep in at times. They definitely got the best of me here. If you ever see someone in public who is different than you, and you find yourself staring, that’s fine. We should recognize and honor the differences in each other. But recognize that you are doing it, and try to think about how the person you are staring at might be feeling. Do something else to show that you only have good intentions with your staring. A kind smile would suffice. You could say hi, wave, ask questions, ANYTHING. But please- don’t just stare. It hurts. If you think they don’t know you’re staring, you’re wrong. They do. As Easton grows older, I pray my courage to be his mother grows. I pray that I don’t run from those situations. I pray that I am able to give people grace, assume good intentions, and have the right words to say at the right moments. I pray that people are kind to my boy. I want them to see him for who he is. I want them to love and enjoy for his differences, not in spite of them. I want people to see a little boy. I want them to see a boy who is loud, determined, kind, loving, funny, empathetic as hell, with some attitude on the side. I want people to see the joy he exudes. Do I want them to see Down syndrome? Yes, I do. He has Down syndrome. I’m not trying to hide it. I want people to recognize it as a quality or feature of him. But I want it to be seen amongst all the other qualities he possesses, not just the only one. He is so much more than that. I never realized how important a diaper was until I had a child myself. I knew they were important because they carried stuff, but I had no idea that it would be like a parenting lifeline. I never knew how much I would rely on it when we are out and about- or how many items I was going to have to stuff inside of it! When I did my baby registry while I was pregnant, I registered for this diaper bag that was very cute but not at all functional. It was so tiny. I could barely fit anything inside of it! Everything was constantly spilling out and over the top. If you are a germaphobe like me, stuff touching the ground because it's falling out of your diaper bag is a HUGE PROBLEM. We go to so many therapy appointments and doctor's offices that I quickly grew sick of this problem. So I started searching for a new one. My search was not an easy one because I was looking for something that was cute, could be worn as a backpack, had plenty of space, and plenty of pockets to help me keep everything organized. One day I was scrolling through my favorite social media source (IG) when I found my soon-to-be new diaper bag! I fell in love with the way it looked instantly. My love only grew once I started looking into them more. All of the Lily Jade bags meet all of my diaper bag requirements, it was just a matter of choosing which one I liked best! I went with the Rosie bag in camel and gold. The color literally goes with everything. My favorite thing about the bag ended up being something that I didn't think it would be- the zippers. The bag is so well made that the zippers are just amazing. It is weirdly satisfying how well they work. I can easily zip and unzip it with one hand, even when Easton is squirming in the other. Who knew a zipper could make me so happy? It's the little things in life! haha Another one of my favorite things is the organizer insert that comes with it. It has so many pockets that everything I need has a place. It keeps all of my #diaperbagessentials. I had no idea what would end up being my essentials at first. I never would have guessed some of them in the beginning. So here is my list of things that are essential to surviving (my version of) motherhood. 1. Super Coffee- Seriously, it's that good. It's healthy. It has protein and MCT oil. It keeps me going when I'm exhausted. 2. Diapers & wipes- We use cloth diapers usually but I pack Pampers in my diaper bag because they aren't as bulky. 3. A small variety of snacks for Easton and myself, which usually include veggie straws, puree pouches, Nutrigrain Bars, Pistachios, Perfect Bars and Chomp Sticks. 4. Spill proof cups from Munchkin. These are by far my favorite sippy cups that I have found so far. They are easy for Easton to hold on his own because the straw has a weight at the end. No matter what angle he holds it, the straw follows the liquid because of the magnet, so he always gets whatever liquid is in the cup. I also always make sure to ONLY give him straw cups because the other sippy cups have found to be prohibitive of speech development. Drinking out of a straw is great for oral motor skills! 5. Buddy Bib and/or a Munch Mitt from Malarkey Kids. Easton loves both of these. He has been cutting a lot of teeth lately. These items help to soothe his gums, and they stay germ free! 6. Cart and high chair cover- ours is from Cradle Plus. I really like this cover because it folds up really small. It isn't heavy and doesn't take up a ton of space in my diaper bag. It's also super cute! It could double as a breast feeding cover. I also used to use it to cover his infant car seat. The one we have was really decently priced and worth every penny! 7. Table Toppers- I am that mom that literally cringes and my stomach starts hurting when I see babies eat off the tables at restaurants. I'm not saying that I'm judging, but I am saying that since having Easton I am a complete GERMAPHOBE. I will totally own it. I stress over it. I'm trying to get better at it- definite work in progress. Anyways- Table Toppers from Neat Solutions are a complete necessity to me. I carry a bunch around (they take up barely any space) with me all the time. When we go somewhere to eat I quickly put one on the table. All you have to do is take the sticker off the back of the top and bottom of it, then stick it to the table! Voila- clean eating space for your baby. I always think that I wouldn't want to eat my food directly off the table at a restaurant, so why would I want Easton to?? They also are not expensive. I bought one pack and am no where near close to having used even half of them yet. 8. Nose Frida- because you never know when life is going to get snotty. 9. Doterra On Guard Sanitizing Mist to sanitize stuff and our hands- I told you I was a germaphobe. Plus I like the way it smells, and that it isn't toxic. It's also really well priced. 10. Bib- I like the bibs that have the "catch all" part at the bottom. Easton loves to feed himself, but he is definitely still a little messy. These bibs are lifesavers. My two favorite ones are from OXO Tot and Kiddo Feedo. Other things include- change of clothes, wallet, car keys, phone- you know, the things we need for every day life! My Lily Jade bag holds it all, and it's cute. What more can you ask for? “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my savior.”- Oceans by @hillsongworship . It is amazing that just hearing a song can take us back to a moment, and experience it all over again. When I hear certain songs, I can go back to exact moments of my past. I can remember the emotions I felt, what was happening around me and even smell the same smells all over again. Songs also have this amazing ability to make us feel stronger or take us to a happier place. Oceans by Hillsong United is one of those songs for me. When I was pregnant and grieving the life I had envisioned for myself and my child, I would ask why me!? What did I do to deserve this? Have I done something wrong, and now I'm being punished? I would cry endlessly for this life I had envisioned, and this "perfect" child I thought I wanted. The fear I felt when I was pregnant was so great and consuming that at times it felt unbearable. I have never felt a fear that great before. There were times when I didn't know how I would get through the next few moments, much less the next few months until he was born. Then I would hear this song. It would come on Spotify or the radio at the exact moment I needed it to. It would instantly calm me, like a wave of peace washing over me. Some days I would worry so much that I barely slept. I know this sounds crazy, but I would wake up hearing this song in my head. This song got me through so much while I was pregnant, and it honestly still does. Whenever I am feeling unsure of myself or like I can’t get through something, I listen to this song and remember that my faith is greater than my fear. This song reminds me that God wouldn’t call me to do something if He didn’t already know I could handle it. Now I know He knew exactly what He was doing. He was giving me everything I needed. He has always had these plans for me. He has been preparing me for this my entire life. He made Easton perfectly in His image, and just for me. 💛 I have always wanted a sign with these lyrics that are so close to my heart on it. The amazing mama over at @thishandpaintedhome made this sign for me. Her signs are beautiful, and she is wonderful to work with. She was very patient with me when I was being extremely indecisive about what exactly I wanted on it. She wanted to make sure I got exactly what I wanted, and I did. I love it so much. I hung it over my bed so I could see it every night and every morning to remind myself of my faith and many, many blessings. What is your favorite song? Why is it your favorite? Comment and let me know! Listen to Oceans by Hillsong Worship here- www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw Visit and shop This Hand Painted Home on Etsy- www.etsy.com/shop/ThisHandPaintedHome Recently, I have had quite a few new moms with a prenatal diagnosis reach out to me. It makes me so happy to talk to these women who are walking the same path I recently went down. I enjoy sharing our life with them. I want them to see the joy Easton brings to our lives every single moment of every single day. There are so many things I want these moms to know. I honestly could talk to them all day long. But since that isn’t very realistic of me, here are the most important things I have to say: 1. You are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings of fear, grief, sadness, shame, anger, and disbelief. I remember when I was pregnant the overwhelming feeling of being alone in my emotions. It felt like I was the only person in the world going through this. I didn’t have anyone to turn to, to talk about all this. I didn’t know anyone who had walked this path before. I just kept thinking , “why me?”. What did I do wrong to deserve this? I couldn’t understand why this was happening. After going through it, I know that Easton was made just for me and vice versa. I know that he is exactly the child I was supposed to have. I wouldn’t change anything about him. I know you’re probably thinking, “she’s just saying that”- but seriously, I wouldn’t change a thing about him. Why would I? He’s awesome. Your child is exactly the one you are supposed to have. Let yourself grieve and feel all the feelings that come with it. You are walking a path you had no intentions of walking until now. Allow yourself time to adjust to it. Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. Take everything day by day, minute by minute, if you have to. You can get through this. 2. Your life is not over. I remember thinking that my life was completely over now that I would have a child with special needs. I was SO WRONG. I wasn’t even living life before Easton. This life is the life I have always wanted and dreamt of. Actually, it’s even better than my dreams. Our lives are very similar to that of a “typical” family. We just have a few extra therapy sessions. 3. Most importantly- Your child is worth it. It’s okay to feel all the emotions that you are feeling. Feel them. Embrace them. But just know, that once you have your sweet babe in your arms, you will feel so silly for feeling the way you did. You will feel as though those tears you shed were for nothing because this IS the child that you always wanted- you just might not have known it yet. Be joyful and take pride. You are on a journey you never knew you wanted to be on. But trust me, you will love it. |
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